End of a Relationship

I broke up with the guy I'd been dating since mid-June of this year. To be honest, it was a relationship that should not have lasted as long as we let it last. But that was our decision. We had pretty much nothing in common except a lot of fun during sex.

I still feel bad for ending things.

He is this sweet guy with a gentle attitude and an earnestness to please and help others. I just feel bad because I hurt him. He texted me the next day, to ask a quick question, and admitted that he had been crying all night long. He then asked if there was someone else.

That question hurt.

I never cheated on him the whole time we dated. Never wanted to. Even if I was angry, annoyed, and tired of him, I never once considered carrying on a relationship (even a one night stand) with someone else during our relationship. I never sought anyone out for anything more than friendship. While we dated, he was mine and I was his.

So it hurt. But not in an angry hurt. In a sad sort of hurt. The kind that recognizing that I have hurt him on some level. I realize now he has trust issues as I have issues with myself and wanting to depend on others.

I never really opened up to him. I saw him as a kid and not as my equal. I treated him as an inferior and not as someone I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts with. I pushed him away even while we dated. I couldn't understand how he saw the world and was baffled when he couldn't understand how I saw the world.

I know. I know. I'm immature.

But to be honest, the relationship was a distraction. I never gave 100% of me to it and for that it became something of an escape. I know that I tried to be more to him. I tried...but I couldn't. And then, this past Sunday, I realized I was not even close to treating him as an equal. That any normal person would realize how rude and cruel I was being to him. So I ended things as much for me as for him (or so I tell myself).

I know I've hurt him with this decision. I feel terrible. But I know it is the right decision. I need to fix the things that are wrong in my life.

I know that I'm nothing. Not even close to a catch to anyone. Not even me.

I want to become something for myself. Not just a passerby in this thing called life.

I want to grab hold of something within me and make it totally mine. I want to reshape my life.

I want to give myself to that reshaping 100%.

I gave so little to him. I realize that I needed to end things before they went any further and I hurt him even more.

So here I am. Alone. And I want so badly to change me. I feel bad. I hurt. I hate it. But I can only hope I did the right thing.

I did. Right?

Shallow Story

I'm back! Damn...I suck at meeting my goal on writing every day.

I read an article earlier today that told the story of a "lesbian, leftist" woman that converted to Christianity. The article had its interesting moments and was certainly catered to a securely Christian audience. There was nothing all that unusual about it. It was just very typical as far as conversion pieces go of leftist people to Christianity.

I suppose what I find disappointing about the characters (real or not) in these pieces is the complete lack of actually challenging Christianity. Take, for example, the woman in the piece that I read. She cites that she's a lesbian, leftist, etc. These things are viewed as being counter to Christianity. She even points out at one time that she attended one of the the Universal Unitarian churches. She throws out names like Hegel, Marx, and Darwin as those these are the names of men to be avoided. It's this that sends a warning flag in my mind and makes me shake my head.

When Darwin or Marx is brought up in any conversation or article regarding Christianity, I feel it ought to be thrown out right away. These are names that are meant to give a nod to the modern Christian views on science and the great enemy to American capitalism. They are straw-man names, it seems, in this community. Meant to inspire fear, loathing, and an unhealthy need to avoid the point of their ideas.

When I was a kid, and deeply religious, I was thankfully never exposed to the seething hatred for evolution. I was, however, exposed to the near fanatical hatred of all things belonging to "socialism," including the word itself.

The woman's story itself is a straw man story. She starts off on the opposite of modern, right-leaning Christians and then tells the story of her journey to their side of things. I find it a bit of an eye-roll that she is lesbian and liberal. It seems that this creature is the new acceptable sinner in today's Christian realm. She seems to imply that she was an atheist too throughout the article. Thankfully, she find Jesus.

The issue that I have with the whole article comes down to this: for a supposedly intelligent and soul-searching person, you didn't seem to wrestle with any of the deeper questions that religion struggles to answer. The woman claims to have read the Bible and seems satisfied with the quite horrific acts of a vengeful, menacing God. She never seeks to find answers to the questions on her homosexuality and never even covers what clearly ends up being a ruined relationship between her and her partner.

This shallow acceptance of the tenets of evangelical Christianity is ultimately what bothers me about the article. Again, I realize it's nothing more than a fluff peace meant to comfort the insulated in the tenets of their faith. Fine. Whatever. I find the character in the story unable and unfortunately incapable of expressing the kind of questions that person of the supposed intellect she possesses would ask. That's what I take issue with.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I shall write again!

What If?

Sometimes...I can't help but acknowledge that fear that whispers in my mind even when I'm not paying attention to it...

What if I fail?

What if I'm no good?

What if I'm not needed?

Thoughts Before Action...But No...

To tell the truth, a character I've been working on is pretty flat. I've known this for some time and just can't seem to shake that. I've tried different ways to make them complex in a fun and interesting way. The character, Jesse, is an outcast. A typical outcast that was bullied as well as ignored in high school. Hardly one to make friends, he remains shy and an introvert even as he starts college. He is the youngest of four with a twin sister that's a minute older than him.

So, ok. He's an outcast. Doesn't fit in anywhere. He's shy and just beginning to realize that he's gay. Yeah. It's that kind of story: your typical coming of age. Not even the fact that he was raised Mormon and comes from a Mormon family is meant to be anything more than a part of the conflict. It's not meant to be the defining part of the story. Just assisting in moving the plot forward.

I mean, sure. Cool. Gay and Mormon. Ooo. So horrible. Not really. His personality has never been defined by Mormonism. Yeah, he grew up in the religion. Did all that he was supposed to do. But he never believed. Both his brothers served missions and his sister intends on doing so. She's even going to the Mormon school BYU while he attends one of the state colleges in Washington state. But he's still an outsider when it comes to this religion. His parents want him to go on a mission but at the same time already look on him as a failure. This isn't because he doesn't really follow their faith. But it's because their personalities clash and they have never really taken the time to reach out to him and understand him. This, of course, goes both ways. The two parties stand on opposite sides of a cliche chasm.

His roommate is also Mormon and someone that has come back from serving a mission. Despite all my talk about "missions" this isn't a major factor in the story. Just facts, ha ha!

Beyond religion, he's shy (as already mentioned). He's still young, an eighteen-year-old, and just beginning college. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life and feels more lost than anything. He's afraid to reach out and admit that he's gay to anyone. So when it comes to this, he has hopeless crushes. I don't want this to come across as pathetic (but it is). Just another foil in his character.

Still, events will come along to challenge him to discover himself (cause that's what's supposed to happen, lol). But mixed with it all, and hopefully this makes the story an enjoyable read, is that it's not just a kid coming out and accepting himself, but a story of magic and mystery.

So in all of this, I want it to be a story of self-discovery, hope, and finding out about more than just being gay. I hope it would be an adventure that takes readers of all kinds into an odyssey through the eyes of a character that is sympathetic, funny, and quirky as the story unfolds.

Wow, well, ok. I feel a little better after writing that. Gives me a little more sense how I want the story to progress and how I want the character to act and be like! Phew!

Return of the Blogger!

It's been about ten days since I last posted. Shame, really. This is exactly my problem: laziness. I was distracted with playing computer games and feeling "tired" after work. Well, that happened. I can't change the past week and some-odd days, so gonna have to keep going forward. I am lazy. I know that. Laziness is my defense against fear of the unknown and what I think may be dangerous. Rather than face what causes the anxiety, I hide from it.

I'm not really gonna jump on me for wanting to hide. It happens. Getting angry over it just leaves me feeling guilty and paralyzed, the opposite of what I need. I need to keep working towards my goals.

So, what I my goals for this week?

Work on my story
Research for my other story
Work on my financial goals
Spend time with friends
Go for a walk every day

That means I've got a lot to work on today!

Hm, well, I certainly don't own this picture. But it does work. That reminds me, I need to make out with Boyfriend today. A good goal, if you ask me!

To Escape or Surrender...or Get a Milkshake

I'm not sure why I want to keep living.

To be honest, I don't think I need to know if there is a "why" behind why I keep on.

Today I realized that my next goal is to start earning extra money, finishing my schooling, and getting a second job to pay down some of my debt. I also realized that I am afraid to do so. I'm afraid to face the new stress that I'd be exposed to.

That's where this blog comes in. I created this to help me face the fears that I have. Now, I won't be completely candid even though I'm pretty much the only one that reads this, but still.

My job sucks as far as wage goes. I knew it going into it. Over the past year, I've received a wage increase of about 1%. I don't know if that's normal for other wage earners in my bracket and other such statistics. Regardless of those unknowns, I earned very little before and now I earn very little plus a tiny amount now.

I bring that up so that I can face the realities of my wages. I earn shit. I am drowning in debt. Wouldn't it be nice to pay some of that off in a year? Two years? Yeah. It would be.

So take a chance. I need to go out and accept that I've failed so far in my life so why not risk failing some more. It's not like I'll lose anything. I'll end up with things as they currently are so I really wouldn't be losing anything. Whereas the benefits are that I have the option to greatly enhance my life beyond what it already is.

So what scares me? The unknown? Fear in general? What?

Ah, Something Happy!

Things have been depressing on here lately. So...for today, I'm just gonna post a favorite video of mine from YouTube: