End of a Relationship

I broke up with the guy I'd been dating since mid-June of this year. To be honest, it was a relationship that should not have lasted as long as we let it last. But that was our decision. We had pretty much nothing in common except a lot of fun during sex.

I still feel bad for ending things.

He is this sweet guy with a gentle attitude and an earnestness to please and help others. I just feel bad because I hurt him. He texted me the next day, to ask a quick question, and admitted that he had been crying all night long. He then asked if there was someone else.

That question hurt.

I never cheated on him the whole time we dated. Never wanted to. Even if I was angry, annoyed, and tired of him, I never once considered carrying on a relationship (even a one night stand) with someone else during our relationship. I never sought anyone out for anything more than friendship. While we dated, he was mine and I was his.

So it hurt. But not in an angry hurt. In a sad sort of hurt. The kind that recognizing that I have hurt him on some level. I realize now he has trust issues as I have issues with myself and wanting to depend on others.

I never really opened up to him. I saw him as a kid and not as my equal. I treated him as an inferior and not as someone I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts with. I pushed him away even while we dated. I couldn't understand how he saw the world and was baffled when he couldn't understand how I saw the world.

I know. I know. I'm immature.

But to be honest, the relationship was a distraction. I never gave 100% of me to it and for that it became something of an escape. I know that I tried to be more to him. I tried...but I couldn't. And then, this past Sunday, I realized I was not even close to treating him as an equal. That any normal person would realize how rude and cruel I was being to him. So I ended things as much for me as for him (or so I tell myself).

I know I've hurt him with this decision. I feel terrible. But I know it is the right decision. I need to fix the things that are wrong in my life.

I know that I'm nothing. Not even close to a catch to anyone. Not even me.

I want to become something for myself. Not just a passerby in this thing called life.

I want to grab hold of something within me and make it totally mine. I want to reshape my life.

I want to give myself to that reshaping 100%.

I gave so little to him. I realize that I needed to end things before they went any further and I hurt him even more.

So here I am. Alone. And I want so badly to change me. I feel bad. I hurt. I hate it. But I can only hope I did the right thing.

I did. Right?