I'm sitting in my apartment right now. It's a beautiful and pleasant evening right now. I have the fan blowing on me to keep at bay the heat from enveloping me that likes to cling to my room, ha ha! I have only the light on from the lamp by my bed. The day has been filled with work and than relaxing. Relaxing this past year has meant that I either sit at my computer and play games on it or lay on my bed and play games with a DS Gameboy. Maybe if I'm feeling adventurous, I'll go to the main room and play on the Game Cube or N64 that I've got. I also devote time to making dinner. 

How tragically boring, right? 

I used to read and write a lot. I'd even watch movies and hang out with friends until late into the evening. It's not that I don't hang out with friends anymore or avoid movies. I hang out with friends and watch movies. I've just become more of a recluse this past year.

I think a lot of that has to do with events that happened last summer. I think I finally feel ready to write about them. 

See, I kind of had a shit of a season then. It started with the texts and phone calls in April. I was told by the father of the owner of the house that I lived with at the time that I would not be allowed to renew my contract. This came as a shock and a surprise to me. When I had moved in back in February, the owner had sat down with me and discussed my renting plans. I had signed a six month agreement as a test to see if I liked the place. If I did, I would want to sign a year contract after my six months were up. The roommate agreed with me that he would like for me to buy the year long contact when my contract was up.

So this phone call from the person's father came as a shock to me. When I texted my roommate to find out what was going on, he confessed to already knowing about what his dad had done. I felt betrayed by my roommate for refusing to talk to me himself, choosing to go through his dad instead.

This whole event took place while I was at work. I was so upset at the time and hurt by this. For the past several months I had noticed that I was being ignored by both roommates. They would do things together and deliberately not invite me and ignore me. For the most part, I was fine with that, honestly. I had other friends to spend time with and a boyfriend to be with. So I would often be away from the house.

Anyway, the texting conversation that went on between the owner of the place - my roommate - and me was a huge fiasco. He wanted to talk about my concerns over text while I refused and said I'd like to discuss them in person. The roommate refused to meet me in person because he was "physically intimidated" by me. Those words hurt. Ask any of my friends and family and they will raise an eyebrow at this description of me. I'm more likely to be described as a big ol' teddy bear. People love to get hugs from me because they're so wonderful. No one is physically intimidated by me. Not even children.

Eventually, he agreed to meet face to face and talk that night but by this point I was just upset and ill with him. So instead of meeting with him, I went and spent the night at my boyfriend at the time's place. I just didn't have the energy to deal with my roommate. I hated what he had done. I hated his choice to be cowardly. He texted me later wondering if I still planned on meeting with him. I told him no and proposed that we finish out the contract with limited communication between us. I just didn't have anything more to say to him. He agreed and that was that. 

Or so I thought...

Rather than write pages and pages on this shitty summer, I'll break them up into smaller pieces. And I will finish with a picture of kissing in a different way, ha ha!!!

Remembering When...

When I thought about what I would share today, I admit that I came up with a blank slate (sad right? Two days in and I have nothing!). But I wanted to share one of my favorite YouTube videos on here.

When this video first came out, I was so excited. I love Lady Gaga's music and I love history. WHAT BETTER COMBINATION? The video taught me a few things about the Women's Suffrage movement and inspired me to learn more about Alice Paul. So...if you haven't seen this video yet, do so. And since I am mostly writing this to me for at some future point when I want to see how far I've come:

Remember watching this video and how much you loved it? Remember how much of a goober you were about it? Yeah. That's right. You're welcome.

Goober.

A Promise to Me

I used to love to write. I could write for hours and virtually anywhere and everywhere. I often would write in the middle of classes, clubs, and church. It was the sort of escapist talent I've perfected now as an adult. But of course, dedication isn't something I'm really good at. So I haven't written in quite some time. I have bursts of writing for a week or two here and there but inevitably it falls away.

Except writing is how I analyze and process events and epiphanies. When I don't write, I descend into this foggy mire of thinking. Which is where I've been for the past two years. I have let other people and other situations affect me. I have gone to the brink of despair and just wanted to wait for something to push me over the edge into death. Dramatic, right? Yeah. I have a flair for that.

But even at that edge...I could never do that. Something inside refused it. It would argue and fight back against the gloom, doom, and surrender I felt. I can no longer embrace the attitude of "bleh" that I have so far permitted in my life. That fighting aspect to me is one I want to embrace now.

So, my first goal that I want to work on is a daily submission of a blog entry on here. Whether it's photos, analyzing of a book I've read, updates on goals, new goals, or just reflections I want and will post something daily. But I won't post more than one thing.

This should be interesting!

Foggy Clarity

I have spent the past two years in a sluggish sort of state. This stagnant, waking dream has left me forever on the retreat in life. From leaving school without finishing my degree to taking crappy jobs here and there in a forever servitude to poverty and humiliation. The knee has been bent to an oblivion of my choice. It never had to be this way. I could have at least had a worthless degree and then work at a humiliating and dehumanizing job.

How is it that I have permitted this state of being incomplete? Of forever choosing this state of instant gratification over preparing and creating a better tomorrow in the now? It's as though I have sought to be some fantastic personification of procrastination. What have I become? Slothful. Empty. Dismiss-able. Unnecessary. I am the one to blame for this. I have elected to follow this path.

Am I for the better? Yes and no. Naturally. Of course. I left school after having a melt down and a crisis of self. I ran away without any reason except to shelter and protect me from the demons that haunted me. Fair enough. It feels, though, like I have found some ground. Some place to make a stand and to work towards improving my life.

I may be lost currently. But I am still trying to figure out the way forward. Not back. There is no joy in returning to what "once was."

Therefore.

Let this be the start of clarity even if it is in brief bursts amid the thick fog of confusion and loss. Initially. But the fog will eventually need to go. Bring on the harsh sunlight.