I have spent the past two years in a sluggish sort of state. This stagnant, waking dream has left me forever on the retreat in life. From leaving school without finishing my degree to taking crappy jobs here and there in a forever servitude to poverty and humiliation. The knee has been bent to an oblivion of my choice. It never had to be this way. I could have at least had a worthless degree and then work at a humiliating and dehumanizing job.
How is it that I have permitted this state of being incomplete? Of forever choosing this state of instant gratification over preparing and creating a better tomorrow in the now? It's as though I have sought to be some fantastic personification of procrastination. What have I become? Slothful. Empty. Dismiss-able. Unnecessary. I am the one to blame for this. I have elected to follow this path.
Am I for the better? Yes and no. Naturally. Of course. I left school after having a melt down and a crisis of self. I ran away without any reason except to shelter and protect me from the demons that haunted me. Fair enough. It feels, though, like I have found some ground. Some place to make a stand and to work towards improving my life.
I may be lost currently. But I am still trying to figure out the way forward. Not back. There is no joy in returning to what "once was."
Therefore.
Let this be the start of clarity even if it is in brief bursts amid the thick fog of confusion and loss. Initially. But the fog will eventually need to go. Bring on the harsh sunlight.
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