Death, Show No Pride

So far I've written about how shitty a summer I had. Yippee. What does any of that mean anyway? What will it mean to me three years from now? Five years from now? Forty years? Who knows.

But right then, it meant that I had hit rock bottom. I worked at a job that barely kept me alive for nearly ten months starting in July. And you know what? It kept me alive even if barely. The way that I look back at the last year is that I needed time to recover, to heal, and to absorb all the pain that I had received the previous summer. That was all I could do. I would pretty much wake up very early and get ready for work by sitting at my computer until the last minute and then scramble to get ready before dashing to the train station to go off to work. I'd work and smile and feel happy even if only for a little bit. But always I'd feel the darkness in my life when I would be alone. I would then make the return journey home where I'd just sit at my computer until it was time to go to sleep before waking and starting the whole ordeal the next day.

I was at a point where I felt like I was just waiting for something to rip my life apart and give me cause to commit suicide.

From December to March, I seriously considered killing myself. At one point I used a razor and cut my own shoulder because I just couldn't escape the stress I was feeling. I couldn't ignore the call to do damage to me. I wanted to see my own blood then. But for a couple of months those thoughts subsided.

Then, in May, I seriously considered suicide. I even looked online to find ways to eliminate as much of the financial burden my debt had become in my life so that if I died it wouldn't affect my parents.

I had become a failure.

I felt such darkness in my life and I just wanted to give in to it.

Or so I thought.

See when I did decide to give in, some small voice buried deep inside obstinately said "no" and refuse to allow me to move an inch more toward oblivion. Each time I felt as thought I'd reached the end some part of me would keep saying, "Fuck the hell no, goddamnit."

You really can't blame me for feeling bewildered at this voice in me. What was worth living for? I'd failed at everything that could possibly matter. No one even wanted me around. I would do justice to the world by killing myself. Yet to all of those thoughts that voice still refused to yield. It took time but I did accept it and decided to re-examine my life to see if I could climb out of the hole I'd dug for myself.

I don't think I'll ever know why I wanted to live so badly at that point but I can at least say I was smart enough not to fight that voice.

And hear I am. Trying again.