So up to this point I've covered the shittiness of losing my job and getting evicted. Nice. Bleh. Whatever. The next thing occurred a little more than a week before my birthday in July. It happened with no warning to anyone. I have to admit that maybe I can make sense of it on here.
I got finished with my first day of work at my new job and raced to the downtown library to see my boyfriend. It was wonderful to be out in the sun...though the heat was definitely not nice when I was wearing the khaki pants and shirt for my job. Anyway...
We were sitting in this little park in the downtown, talking and sharing each other's day. I can remember sitting next to him and enjoying the shade that we were sitting under. I watched as sunlight and leafy shade formed patterns on the concrete pathways that ran throughout this little park in front of the old City Hall. It was pleasant and peaceful here. It was healing for me.
I had discovered something about myself earlier that day and I wanted to share it with him. I trusted him and knew he was by my side. This was another time that I had faced the lack of motivation so apparent on my part. I realized that it was the cause of all my woes. That, essentially, my refusal to have a vision for myself had led to me being in a sucky situation. I had no one to blame but myself.
I told him this. I told him how I realized that this void was something I was truly seeing for the first time.
And then everything changed for us.
He admitted that he had seen this in me too. He had actually seen it in me before I had even fully recognized it. That thing about me had bothered him so much. I remember how hollow I felt as he explained that it made him want to end our relationship. Looking back on that moment, I realize a little more what happened. On some level, we had ended our relationship already and that this moment provided us an outlet.
But I over reacted. I think that was necessary for me. This was the first time I'd ever dated a guy before. I liked him a lot. So it seems that I needed to have my heart broken. I asked him after he finished if what he was saying was that he was breaking up with me. I felt so empty as I asked. And he said that he guessed he was. To this day, I don't think he ever intended to walk into that conversation with the intent to break up with me. I could be wrong. I've never asked him about it. But once those first words were spoken, it really was the right thing.
I told him that I needed to leave and that I needed to hate him for a little while before I could talk to him again. He was far more understanding than me and gave me space. I walked to my car that hot day, crying. I felt so terrible and empty inside. I called my dad in tears and told him what happened. Ironically, this was the first time he even knew that I had had a boyfriend. But he did his best to comfort me.
For the next week I was beyond depressed. The friends I stayed with saw how withdrawn I had become and I told them why. It took a long time to recover. I received great advice and great support from friends. The only mistake that I made after breaking up with my now ex was that I wrote an angry email and acted like a child. I told him I never wanted to see him again. He bowed to my wishes and for nearly a year we didn't talk.
I regretted that decision shortly after I sent him that email. I tried to reply and apologize but I think my words had done damage enough. I doubt he ever read the apology email I sent after. It solidified my depression all the more for the weeks that followed.
I regretted that email for all the months after.
Thankfully, this one story has a happy ending much like the losing my job story did. A few months ago, the ex and I had the chance to apologize and we did. We now hang out. I am now currently dating someone else and he is currently dating around and being his amazing self. We are friends and I value his friendship beyond words. He is a good man. I am grateful that we had the chance to date and I am glad we are friends. I don't regret breaking up with him. I think it was the best decision that we both made. And now it feels like things are right again with us as friends and with all our friends able to intermingle without awkwardness.
But for last summer, I couldn't see how breaking up was a good thing. I was depressed and avoided my friends for so long. I felt so lost at that point.
And that meant that the next blow would hurt all the more.
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